Love Language by Tara Sheahan
Our friend and fellow collaborator Tara Sheahan writes about her internal dialogue and how loving yourself is the most important thing we can do. Tara will be at Restival Arizona hosting writing workshops.
The Language of Love
I have often wondered if I'm really in control of my thoughts. And have pondered the question: 'who is the puppeteeer up there fooling around with my emotions? Who has control of me waking in peacefulness doing my morning meditation in complete gratitude, looking at the Sun, and so deeply happy just to have hands, feet, a beating heart, my grey hair. Then by Noon, dissolving me into fear of being unloveable, eating chocolate nervously, and jumping back onto my iPhone for a ‘Healing Your Inner Child’ meditation...again. At least now when I cry I say to the Universe ‘ok I know it’s a story! I’m just raining!’ as the tears and my nose are like a river. My sad little tissue is useless so I just blow my nose in my shirt.
This is my transformation. I am a devotee of being free of the ego's negative ticker tape. Even now I want to pop my head off and spank those thoughts that remind me someone is having a better life than me. And someone is prettier, smarter, and has it way more together than I do. Then I hear Ekhart Tolle drifting into my thoughts 'stop struggling, be with the what is. Drop the story. Be Present.' So I sit. I breathe and meditate, and I work those muscles in my brain, and nervous system that will make the backslide less intense.
Having spent time with Indigenous people, and those with an Indigenous Spirit, I have learned to ask for guidance from Nature. It's the most fascinating part of my journey because at a time when I'm struggling I pick up a Rock. 'I don't have any drama. I'm just present' is the Rock's wisdom. And I'll park myself on the edge of a nearby river. 'Just go with the flow, be in non-resistance. Relax your mind and heart. Let go of the story.' And I create little ceremonies and rituals with intention and have the most profound experiences.
Your Own Little Sacred Ceremonies Work!
The other day I did a 'pop up' Fire Circle ceremony in my Mom's backyard, to move through stuckness in life, and to honor Nature as a messenger. I made a mosaic circle of Stones, set small pieces of Wood in the Four Directions, placed a little Grass nest on top, then 28 bigger pieces of Wood in the shape of a Tipi to represent the cycles of the Moon. I lit it, watched the sweet little flames dance and spark, and just 20 minutes later after it had burned out, a Female Deer ready to give birth nearly bumped into me as I walked out of the gate. I went into my camper to do a gratitude meditation, and when I opened my eyes 45 minutes later, four Deer, including the Mother-to-be, were sleeping in the Grass right next to me, not 5 feet away..
Deer Medicine is about bringing gentleness to your life and to the lives of others. Being nimble, and changing directions. Being connected to your inner child, and innocence. it was exactly what I needed, and I was blown away at how quickly Nature gave back to me. As though the Deer were my family, and totally there for me.
I want to come clean that I have searched for love in text messages, smiley faces, from a partner, hoping for validation and being 'the one.' And for certain it was an addiction because being a meditation teacher, those flirtatious texts sent dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin 'feel good' hormones into my system. I craved this attention from an outside source even though i knew that I could create these same feelings of self love, and 'find all the barriers within yourself you have built agains it,' in the words of Rumi.
My epiphanies of late are that the the love language that I speak to my 'self'' is the most important voice I will ever hear. Whether I call it my Higher Self, the Divine, God, Creator, it's the voice that nourishes me, gives me the confidence to sort through the story and see that my mind is making it all up. 'I love you. You are made of love. And peace. Joy. Presence. You are creative, and smart, and I love your laughter. You are jealous, greedy, and sometimes a know it all. I love ALL of you.' I have begun to trust this voice. And to know that as Deepak Chopra says 'everything you desire is within you.'
The Two of You
If you are in love, and you have a partner, from the peanut gallery I share my wisdom. Help your partner find this voice. And simply be Present. Don't fix them, don't find the answer. Just sit there and help them, guide them inside. Find your own love language voice and whisper it within, and know the other will find this magical voice, attached to feelings of softness, gentleness, Deer Medicine.
And if you can't find this voice call me. I will be present for you. I will tell you that you are loveable, that you are perfect with all the imperfection and messiness of being human. I will tell you until you remember this voice, that you are Pure Love. And the Deer, most certainly, will come.